Suicide. The thought of it daunts you on the darkest of nights. Its whispers soothe you when you cry yourself to sleep. Its dark shadow is not always present, no. You don’t feel the need to give in all the time; you laugh, you live, you love. But its presence can always be felt, hidden in the deepest corner of your mind. You find yourself wondering what it would be like to end your life. And while you emerge yourself in those thoughts, your tears slowly dry on the apples of your cheeks and your heart is filled with peace.
Thinking about it brings comfort. You feel a little better knowing you have a way out and start cherishing those thoughts, using them as a safety blanket for when everything becomes too much.
Because nothing matters in death. Your past, your present, the way you have been treated, your attitude towards others, the life you’ve lived, the dreams left unaccomplished- your whole life won’t matter. Every part of you will be left behind while you go on into a world full of mysteries. You tell yourself nothing can be worse than your present predicament.
Oh the idea of leaving everything behind! All your mistakes, sins and hurt. All of the things that haunt and break you. How it tempts you, the sweet idea of freedom. How you want to slice yourself open, feel the coldness of the blade against the warmth of your body. How you want to feel your guilt and pain flow away into a halo around your body. How you crave it.
But you can’t. No, you won’t do that. Understandly so. Because you know that some days the sun will shine and you will feel a little better. Because the fleeting moments of happiness, of laughter and cheerful banter will keep your will alive.
Or maybe, just maybe, because you are selfless. Because you can’t hurt those whom you love. Because you can’t bear knowing that your relatives and friends will mourn and cry for you. Because you know that your parents won’t be able to handle it. Because you would rather feel like a burden while breathing than being one while dead. Because you know that those who have cut you deep will regret it. Or maybe because they won’t. Either way you won’t do it.
You won’t because you know that life is meant to be full of hardships. You know that is how you grow and learn and one day you’ll embrace everything that destroyed you, for in the process it built you. You won’t because you know that it’s not fair, that you don’t deserve this easy escape, that others have been struggling a lot more, that you can do this. Deep down, you know that you are strong enough to live through it and so you won’t do it, you won’t kill yourself.
But the thought will forever stay with you. They will drown you, suffocate you at your worst. You will crave to do it. But you won’t.
You brave, brave thing. I know it gets hard. I know that sometimes it seems impossible to continue fighting against all odds. But you did it. Time and time again you didn’t give up. This is my encomium to you, brave soul. This is to you, who blends in the crowd so easily. You, whose problems are effortlessly forgotten. You, who can’t ever share the tales of your struggle with anyone, fighting alone in the dark. You matter. Your struggle is real. Because even though you are sure that you won’t ever try to kill yourself, your thoughts are hurting you, poisoning you. No, you won’t slice your wrists open but your heart bears a million wounds. This is to you, incredible fighter your strength is beyond recognition.
Nobody talks about those who struggle and win. Nobody recognises the incredible amount of courage and control needed to fight suicidal thoughts. Because suicide is a taboo subject. Because no one wants to talk about it. Because people will rather pretend it doesn’t exist. Because people mock and stigmatise those who are suicidal. Because they’ll only realise its existence when the deed is done.
But this is for you. Suicide is not taboo. It is real and present. Depression and anxiety are real. You are not weak or delusional. You are not an attention seeker. You are not any of those things that people tell you.
You are not alone. You can do this. Your struggle counts and your efforts too. I admire you, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for never giving up.
And if you feel low, here’s some quotes that will hopefully help ❤
Wishing you lots of love and positivity,